So how was my day you ask?

Monday, 27 November 2017
Dear Diary,                    

What did I do with my day? Well, the day started out like any other. Got the boys up early to get ready to go to school. Took them to the dentist at 0900. Thought I would be out in plenty of time to get them to school before I had them meet Ryan for his 1st appointment at 1030 with the chemo doctor. Boy was I off there! We didn’t get out of the dentist till nearly 1020! Had to call Chad and get him to ride with Ryan to his doctor’s appointment so I could meet him there and do kid swap. Gave him the kids and my car with instructions to feed them and get them to school. That part went fairly smoothly. 

Once we got to see the doctor, he starts reiterating what the radiation doctor had stated. It’s going to be awful... worse than awful... he’s friendly enough.. good sense of humor in a pretty dark business. What I’m hearing is awful, terrible, cook you from the inside out... with every word my anxiety grows.. I’m no longer on the verge of tears anymore which is good. Makes keeping up a brave face easier. 

I’ve joined several online support groups. I know what is coming, but I’m afraid of telling Ryan what I’ve learned. I don’t want to cause him more stress than what he already has to deal with. I’ve been trying to figure out what “stage of grief” we are in. Problem is, I wouldn’t call it grief. I can’t find anything online that talks about the place we are at. 5 stages of grief makes it sound like someone is dying. Ryan is not. There is absolutely nothing out there that come close To describing how I feel. Now, I’m a Navy wife and even though Ryan is retired, the military spouse support groups are still there to help. While researching the different stages, I found this https://themilitarywifeandmom.com/7-stages-deployment-anger-manage/.  Leave it to a military wife to tell it like it is. The 7 stages of anger.... yep.. that sounds more like it. I am going to attempt to rewrite it for our situation, so bear with me.. 

The 7 stages of cancer diagnoses anger 

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/4/42/Sad_smiley_yellow_simple.svg/2000px-Sad_smiley_yellow_simple.svg.pngStage 1: The initial find.. Shock.. what the fuck is that? Denial... you probably have mumps. Fear.. OMG what if it’s cancer. A little anger... I can’t afford to be sick now! Tension and nagging...  You need to go to a doctor, did you make an appointment?
Stage 2:  The diagnosis stage.... Confusion.. what are we supposed to do? A building anger. Pulling away from everyone and everything, despair and hopelessness start to seep in, Intimacy is off the table! More tension and nagging only now bickering ensues erupting like a volcano, lots unexpected tears over things that wouldn’t normally bother you

https://img00.deviantart.net/2249/i/2015/317/3/8/crying_eye_drawing__redraw__by_hg_art-d9gh81e.jpgStage 3:  A little bit of sulking stage..... If you haven’t started crying before now, you definitely will here. That feeling of despair starts to drown out everything. You feel hollow. Hello depression, my old friend.... disorganization, anxiety, anger, withdrawal from friends and family. Your loved one is probably thinking am I going to die? 

At this stage Ryan started telling me about wills and life insurance. I absolutely could not deal. Here starts the 1st of many meltdowns.

Stage 4:  The calm before the storm stage... Feeling calmer (time to put on the big girl panties and get with the plan), less anger (don’t think I wouldn’t stab the shit out of fucking cancer if it was a person), loads of anxiety about the upcoming treatments, anxious to get it over with, able to communicate better to loved one, family and friends about situation. 

Right now I am in stage 4... the next few I’ll have to adjust as we progress through his treatment, but this is how I expect it to go....

Stage 5:  The don’t let me fall apart stage.... Treatment is underway, and it’s as awful or worse than you’ve been told. Your loved one looks sicker and sicker, and all you can do is try to force fluids and nutrition. Intimacy? That’s is so far from either person’s mind. Worry? Definitely. Anxiety? Through the roof! Anger? You betcha! That anger that had diminished during the last stage is back with a vengeance. If cancer was a person, you would take them to the mat and beat them to a bloody pulp (or in my case see stage 4). It’s probably the one time in your life you would gladly become a killer.

http://i.imgur.com/4JCVh.jpgStage 6: The calm the fuck down stage... Hurray! Your loved one had made it through the treatments!  You get to experience a whole new range of emotions. Apprehension.. did the treatment work? Excitement... I am so fucking glad this is over! High expectations... The cancer has been nuked out of existence! Worry... Did they get everything? Fear... What if it comes back?

Stage 7:  The resumption of life?   Of course you’ll be thrilled your love one is cancer free, but the anger and resentment will still be there. Your loved on will look back on the person they used to be especially if your way of life has been dramatically changed. I’m not sure anything will be the same again. You will have to figure out what is the new normal. 


So there you have it. Cancer diagnosis anger... and believe me. I have plenty of it. 


PSS Here’s a huge shout out to Lauren Tamm and her blog for helping me figure out what stage I was in. Check out her blog at https://themilitarywifeandmom.com/

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